May 4-#100happydays-day 25 new neighbours?

Looks like 2 houses on my street have been sold. I’m a little sad to lose the one family because our kids were close in age, although I wouldn’t say we knew each other that well. 

But it’s a little exciting to see two new families come to the neighbourhood. I’m really hoping for young kids, and maybe cool moms I can become friends with.  We’ll see. 

Advertisements

April 20-#100happydays-day 11

Well I’m tired after a shift at work. But this makes me happy.  

 

The sound of silence

This had always been a song that intrigued me. I remember analyzing it in a high school English class.  I heard it today and it dawned on me that Paul Simon  may have forseen the future. Human contact and communication is greatly changing. It has become very silent.  I love my cell phone as much as anyone, but it’s so weird how much everyone depends on them. I look at a crowded food court in the mall, and few people are talking to each other. Everyone is on their phones. But not for speaking. 

Technology has connected us in ways I’m sure we’re not even imaginable in the 1960’s. But I think we are actually disconnecting from one another. It has been so long since I spoke to a friend on the phone. Text text text.

The sound of silence 

Simon and Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend,

I’ve come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence.


In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone,

‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence.


And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence.


“Fools,” said I, “You do not know –

Silence like a cancer grows.

Hear my words that I might teach you.

Take my arms that I might reach you.”

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence


And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made.

And the sign flashed out its warning

In the words that it was forming.

And the sign said, The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls

And whispered in the sound of silence. 

    April 12-#100happydays

    So, being woken up at 6:00am every damn day doesn’t really make me happy. I don’t know why my kids are early birds.  

     But our mornings together are alright.  I get the kids oatmeal on and get coffee going for myself. (Usually can’t feed myself til later).  

     

    Then as a treat this Sunday morning, my 3 year old wanted to watch sesame  street. So we all cuddled on the couch for a bit. Maybe TV isn’t the best for the kids,( as I keep hearing) but what the hell. Everyone is happy!  

     

    The End is Here. 

    Today is my last day of maternity leave. After a wonderful Easter long weekend, I will be going back to work tomorrow. We had a fairly quiet weekend, some visiting, church, family time and big meals.  

     

    I’m trying really hard to deal with the panic that has arisen in me these last couple days. It’s obvious I feel a little scared to go back to work, nervous about leaving the boys and all the changes. That stuff I can handle.  But these little “episodes” of true panic are a bit different. I haven’t dealt with this in over 12 years, since I finished nursing school. 

    It’s so, so hard to put into words. Partly physical, partly emotional, mostly I just don’t feel like myself, and don’t know if I ever will again.  I feel a little short of breath. A little light headed. An urge to cry. Doom. Snowballing thoughts. Basically I feel shitty, and worried. Pissed off I can’t handle it all better. Thinking “maybe I really am sick? Is it a PE?” It’s all so irrational, and I can tell myself it’s irrational, but nothing helps. And repeat. 

    The thing is I know what’s causing it. I’m coming to terms with a part of my life ending. Just like when I finished school, I realized a life long goal has been met.  Now, my goal of having babies has been achieved. I no longer have to wait, look forward to pregnancy, birth and newborns.  I always wanted to get married and have a family. Now it’s done.  This won’t happen again. 

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not longing for more babies, or wishing I could stay home forever. I am happy to start work again, and find my job very interesting.  I’m so fortunate to be able to work part time. I also am very excited to watch my boys learn and grow. I think I’m just having trouble realizing life is now changing as I enter a new stage. Unfortunatly, knowing why doesn’t make it go away. 

    I’m not sure how I’m going to do it tomorrow but I know I will.  My husband is the most amazing man and supports me without question. He is truly my best friend and we love each other so much.  I just want to feel better and get so frustrated. But for now I’ll just ride this roller coaster and hope it stops soon.  Looking for peace wherever I find it. Enjoying the small things.  

     

    A year that flew by. 

    Today my wonderful little boy turns one! I can’t believe it’s been a year. Everyone always tells you time flies, but it’s still amazes me.  “The days are long, but the years are short”. 

    A year ago right now, I had just got to the hospital. What a whirlwind. Everything was going smoothly, early pains were coming, but tolerable.  After being checked out, we went down to the cafeteria for some lunch. Having contractions while I ordered a sandwich, things still felt ok. As we walked back to the labour and delivery unit, my water broke waiting for the elevator. Then came the hellish, pelvis crushing, insanity causing pain.  Well short story shorter, I was quickly set up in a room, and 16 minutes later my little guy was here. Love him so much.  

     

    On a side note, the next time I was in that same elevator it got stuck for 5 minutes. I thank my lucky stars everyday that everything went safely with the delivery of my two boys. I never wanted “natural” or “drug free” deliveries. (I’m a nurse, I love my meds.) But both boys came way too fast. Thank goodness the real pain was only a few minutes. 

    I just can’t wait to see what joys this next year brings for us. 

    Now, I get ready to head back to work after a wonderful year off. I’m ready. I like my job, and look forward to doing it again. It’s a different way to use my brain. I live my kids, but a balance is nice, and I do enjoy time away from them.  Hopefully all goes well with the transitions. 

    My scary evening. 

    I sit in the emergency room with my 11 month old son. I had to give him his epi pen after an accidental peanut butter ingestion.  Such a stupid accident, I worked so hard to be careful there were no nuts in the house. I didn’t even realize what happened. My kids found an old dog toy. Hadn’t been used in forever, but it’s the kind you can stuff with treats.  Well, i guess at some point I had put PB in it, and some shook loose as the kids played. 

    Next thing, my little guys cheeks are so red and full of hives.  I try not to panic as he starts to gag and I worry his breathing is becoming raspy.  I quickly give him his shot and head to the hospital. 

    My son, he will be fine, but I’m so scared for him. That this is his life and stupid accidents could happen anywhere. Thank god we were in our own home, and he was with me. 

    This worry I feel for my kids is all encompassing sometimes. How do I let them gain independence? Part of me wants to hover at all times.  I’m so scared for them, but I can’t let them see that anxiety either. How did my parents do it with me? ( I as well have a serious allergy). 

    I can expect a few panic attacks in my future.  

    I just love them so much.