Today is my last day of maternity leave. After a wonderful Easter long weekend, I will be going back to work tomorrow. We had a fairly quiet weekend, some visiting, church, family time and big meals.
I’m trying really hard to deal with the panic that has arisen in me these last couple days. It’s obvious I feel a little scared to go back to work, nervous about leaving the boys and all the changes. That stuff I can handle. But these little “episodes” of true panic are a bit different. I haven’t dealt with this in over 12 years, since I finished nursing school.
It’s so, so hard to put into words. Partly physical, partly emotional, mostly I just don’t feel like myself, and don’t know if I ever will again. I feel a little short of breath. A little light headed. An urge to cry. Doom. Snowballing thoughts. Basically I feel shitty, and worried. Pissed off I can’t handle it all better. Thinking “maybe I really am sick? Is it a PE?” It’s all so irrational, and I can tell myself it’s irrational, but nothing helps. And repeat.
The thing is I know what’s causing it. I’m coming to terms with a part of my life ending. Just like when I finished school, I realized a life long goal has been met. Now, my goal of having babies has been achieved. I no longer have to wait, look forward to pregnancy, birth and newborns. I always wanted to get married and have a family. Now it’s done. This won’t happen again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not longing for more babies, or wishing I could stay home forever. I am happy to start work again, and find my job very interesting. I’m so fortunate to be able to work part time. I also am very excited to watch my boys learn and grow. I think I’m just having trouble realizing life is now changing as I enter a new stage. Unfortunatly, knowing why doesn’t make it go away.
I’m not sure how I’m going to do it tomorrow but I know I will. My husband is the most amazing man and supports me without question. He is truly my best friend and we love each other so much. I just want to feel better and get so frustrated. But for now I’ll just ride this roller coaster and hope it stops soon. Looking for peace wherever I find it. Enjoying the small things.
moments.of.mindlessness 