The End is Here. 

Today is my last day of maternity leave. After a wonderful Easter long weekend, I will be going back to work tomorrow. We had a fairly quiet weekend, some visiting, church, family time and big meals.  

 

I’m trying really hard to deal with the panic that has arisen in me these last couple days. It’s obvious I feel a little scared to go back to work, nervous about leaving the boys and all the changes. That stuff I can handle.  But these little “episodes” of true panic are a bit different. I haven’t dealt with this in over 12 years, since I finished nursing school. 

It’s so, so hard to put into words. Partly physical, partly emotional, mostly I just don’t feel like myself, and don’t know if I ever will again.  I feel a little short of breath. A little light headed. An urge to cry. Doom. Snowballing thoughts. Basically I feel shitty, and worried. Pissed off I can’t handle it all better. Thinking “maybe I really am sick? Is it a PE?” It’s all so irrational, and I can tell myself it’s irrational, but nothing helps. And repeat. 

The thing is I know what’s causing it. I’m coming to terms with a part of my life ending. Just like when I finished school, I realized a life long goal has been met.  Now, my goal of having babies has been achieved. I no longer have to wait, look forward to pregnancy, birth and newborns.  I always wanted to get married and have a family. Now it’s done.  This won’t happen again. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not longing for more babies, or wishing I could stay home forever. I am happy to start work again, and find my job very interesting.  I’m so fortunate to be able to work part time. I also am very excited to watch my boys learn and grow. I think I’m just having trouble realizing life is now changing as I enter a new stage. Unfortunatly, knowing why doesn’t make it go away. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to do it tomorrow but I know I will.  My husband is the most amazing man and supports me without question. He is truly my best friend and we love each other so much.  I just want to feel better and get so frustrated. But for now I’ll just ride this roller coaster and hope it stops soon.  Looking for peace wherever I find it. Enjoying the small things.  

 

Advertisements

A year that flew by. 

Today my wonderful little boy turns one! I can’t believe it’s been a year. Everyone always tells you time flies, but it’s still amazes me.  “The days are long, but the years are short”. 

A year ago right now, I had just got to the hospital. What a whirlwind. Everything was going smoothly, early pains were coming, but tolerable.  After being checked out, we went down to the cafeteria for some lunch. Having contractions while I ordered a sandwich, things still felt ok. As we walked back to the labour and delivery unit, my water broke waiting for the elevator. Then came the hellish, pelvis crushing, insanity causing pain.  Well short story shorter, I was quickly set up in a room, and 16 minutes later my little guy was here. Love him so much.  

 

On a side note, the next time I was in that same elevator it got stuck for 5 minutes. I thank my lucky stars everyday that everything went safely with the delivery of my two boys. I never wanted “natural” or “drug free” deliveries. (I’m a nurse, I love my meds.) But both boys came way too fast. Thank goodness the real pain was only a few minutes. 

I just can’t wait to see what joys this next year brings for us. 

Now, I get ready to head back to work after a wonderful year off. I’m ready. I like my job, and look forward to doing it again. It’s a different way to use my brain. I live my kids, but a balance is nice, and I do enjoy time away from them.  Hopefully all goes well with the transitions. 

My scary evening. 

I sit in the emergency room with my 11 month old son. I had to give him his epi pen after an accidental peanut butter ingestion.  Such a stupid accident, I worked so hard to be careful there were no nuts in the house. I didn’t even realize what happened. My kids found an old dog toy. Hadn’t been used in forever, but it’s the kind you can stuff with treats.  Well, i guess at some point I had put PB in it, and some shook loose as the kids played. 

Next thing, my little guys cheeks are so red and full of hives.  I try not to panic as he starts to gag and I worry his breathing is becoming raspy.  I quickly give him his shot and head to the hospital. 

My son, he will be fine, but I’m so scared for him. That this is his life and stupid accidents could happen anywhere. Thank god we were in our own home, and he was with me. 

This worry I feel for my kids is all encompassing sometimes. How do I let them gain independence? Part of me wants to hover at all times.  I’m so scared for them, but I can’t let them see that anxiety either. How did my parents do it with me? ( I as well have a serious allergy). 

I can expect a few panic attacks in my future.  

I just love them so much.  

 

Dinner out at The Grazing Goat and Thoughts on the ‘new’ 20th Street West

Last night I went out for dinner with a couple girls I used to work with. We decided to try The Grazing Goat, a newer restaurant in Saskatoon’s now trendy Riversdale area. I was happy to get dressed up and put some makeup on!

me

So, growing up in Saskatoon,I still find it a little odd that cool, trendy restaurants are located on 20th Street West. For as long as I can remember, this was a street one did not walk down. Day or night. But I guess some of the shady businesses have since closed, and maybe the questionable people are moving elsewhere? I’m not sure.  Here’s an interesting article on the revival of 20th Street

grazing_goat-interior-oct_4-2014-retouched-filtered

the bar photo from grazinggoatgoodeats.com

The restaurant was cool. Lots of unfinished wood look to it. Small, with lots of art work on the walls. At 6pm on a thursday, the restaurant was about 1/4 full. Our server was really helpful. The menu was small, but versatile, all of the entres looked interesting. I decided on Jerk Lamb tacos (15$) and a glass of Cono Sur Pinot Noir (10$).

I was really happy with my order. Spicy, but very flavourful. The portion size was decent for price, 3 medium tacos, but a small side would have been nice. A friend had the salmon. Looked wonderful, maybe a bit of a small portion for the price.

Overall, a great night out, and I’m glad I ventured out of my comfort zone.

graze

Jerk Lamb Tacos photo from grazinggoatgoodeats.com

A morning of fun. 

Today my little one had a trial run alone at daycare. That meant Michael (3) and I had a couple hours to kill. 

I haven’t spent much time alone with him lately, and I feel kind of bad for that. 

So we went out for ice cream, and a little mall wandering. 

He’s such a smart special guy. It’s fun to actually have a conversation with him. 



Fortunate in many ways. 

I’ve started to think of luck in a different way. Luck and good fortune can be blessings or things that you receive.  But I’ve really started to consider the “absence of bad luck” to be even more important. 

When I really Think of all the things that could be happening, but haven’t, then I truly feel blessed.  The absence of illness, my husband NOT being one that was laid off, my food being safe and healthy. 



We are starting to build our basement, and with that brings de cluttering. I decided to post on Facebook that I had a bunch of baby clothes to give away. I received a message from an old aquantance. We had known each other through school, and she had a child at 18. We lost touch after about age 20. I knew her life had been rough, moving, trying to find jobs, raise her daughter. 

Now her daughter, age 18, was pregnant. Whoa. A grandma at 36!?!  Can’t even imagine how different life is for so many different people.  Again, I just felt so fortunate that I DIDN’T have an unwanted pregnancy. 

I was more than happy to give her all my baby clothes, as well as some maternity clothes and baby toys. Really made me realize how much stuff we have that could be used by someone who really needs it. 

We’ll keep cleaning that basement, and hopefully do a few more good deeds. 

Travel nursing in California 

It was 10 years ago this week that I started my 5000 km journey to California. 

I worked with a recruitment company and after the painful processs of becoming qualified to work in the USA, I was on my way!  I had accepted a 13 week assignment in the city of Torrance, working as an RN in the neonatal intensive care unit. 

I drove down with my parents, and had to make many stops along the way. Setting up a bank account in Great Falls, applying for social security in Reno, paying for my RN license in Sacremento. 

Waiting for my RN license!



Eventually I made it to my little apartment in Hermosa Beach. Pretty sweet deal, I had a furnished apartment paid for by the recruiters. just a couple blocks from the beach. It was fantastic. 



My parents flew home a few days later, and I was on my own. For the first time ever, I was truly by myself. Some people thought I was crazy for moving to a strange city all alone. Some said I’d be lonely.  I had never lived alone before this time, and I was ready to enjoy every minute. I also felt ok meeting new people, so I looked forward to forcing myself to go out and make friends. 

I worked straight nights at my job, and I absolutely loved it. It was a fantastic hospital. The NICU was great. Staff were super and I loved the way it was run. (This eventually led to me leaving the NICU in Saskatoon, because it just couldn’t compare). 

The hospital i worked at.



I was having a great time. I was able to make friends, work, save a lot of money, and have a lot of fun! When my 13 week assignment was up, I decided to head home for the summer, and return in the fall for a new contract at the same hospital. 

Some of the great nurses i worked with.



Upon return I worked the same unit, still nights. This time I lived in the city of Redondo beach. I loved living in these beach communities. So casual and fun, and LA craziness was just close enough to visit from time to time. 

My apartment in Redondo



I stayed for another 9 months or so. Travel nursing was such a wonderful experience, and one of the best decisions I ever made. I began to grow a little sad with the temporary life style though. Friends came and went in 3 month increments. I dated a bit, but nothing ever seemed to have long term potential. 

Deep down I knew I wouldn’t live there forever, but it was still so hard to leave. A lot of people think I’m crazy for ever leaving, but I feel my timing was just right. I was in my 20’s and had a great time. Eventually, the parties would have died. The night shift life would have caught up with me. The crazy friends all  settled down. 

So now I can remember the experience, and I can still feel like a cool kid and say “well, when I lived in California….”



Redondo pier sunset



Pier Avenue, Hermosa Beach



Me in Hermosa