Another blow has come this week. Another flood of memories and a heart wrenching realization that time goes way to fast. Hit so hard with the awareness that I must see the beauty of life at EVERY.GIVEN.MOMENT.
I sit mourning the loss of an old friend. We knew each other very well in nursing school. We had been such good friends 15 years ago. But life changes. Time passes. We lost touch. Always meant to “get together for a beer”. Dammit, she only lived a few blocks away, why didn’t I make an effort!?
I don’t even know where life took her. We hadn’t seen in each other in about 6 years. I don’t know why she killed herself, and I’ll never know the struggles she faced. In all honesty, I didn’t know her anymore, but I ever thought she had any depression, or problems with mental health. She was a carefree bubbly girl. She loved nature, coffee and cherries. I still remember her apartment vividly. I’ll miss you Mel, and think of you often.
Yesterday was one bad day. In the morning my younger son had an appointment with an allergy specialist. He tested positive to peanuts. I was so sad. Now, I’m no stranger to allergies, I myself have an anaphylactic allergy to dairy. But at least I can be around milk. My poor boy needs to be sheltered from peanuts completely. And the thought of his life in danger, it’s just so shocking. It will be a big change, but it’s sacrifices we have to make. Thank god things are so different than when I was a kid.
Then I went out for dinner with a few friends. One girl showed me a few pics from another friends kids birthday party. It had been held earlier that day. We weren’t invited. I felt really left out. And especially sad for my son. I’m trying to get him out with other kids as much as I can. It just brought back so many memories of being a kid and being left out. Not having many friends. Which then made me realize, I still don’t have many friends. I need to keep in touch better.
Then I had to admit I got a little jealous and envious. My other girl friend was talking about her upcoming wedding. She’s marrying a millionaire. Sigh. I hate to sound materialistic but, jeez sometimes it would be nice to get whatever I want bought for me.
Home to my husband doing a bit of basement cleaning. I started tackling an old box of pictures. Just something else to make me emotional. Photos of when I was so young and pretty. Parties with friends that I longer have.
Overall a bit of a low day. Pretty emotional and sad for me. Wide range of emotions. I guess I will occasionally use his blog just to let my feelings out. Makes me feel a little better.