Been busy doing… May22-#100happydays-day 43

Well, I realize I’ve been missing a few days here and there, and lately not having a lot to write about. 

But today makes up for lost time! Many things made me happy today, including the amazing sunshine! 

 

I spent the afternoon digging and weeding the garden, but it still looks messy. Oh well, some more manure, a bit of water, and I’ll get the seeds in soon.  

 

We had a Dr. appointment for my little guy this afternoon, found out we need an ortho consult. Since he started walking, he seems to drag his right foot sideways a little. Hoping and praying it’s nothing serious. 

We then had some playtime with both boys over at grandma and grandpas, and had fun swimming in the backyard.  

 A beautiful evening has been spent outside. Beginning with grilling some Tuna to a perfect medium rare, along with peppers and zucchini. Some wine, and eating on the patio. Ahh, summer, I think you’re here! 

   Now, kids in bed, husband working on our basement renos, and I’m sipping another glass of red on the patio.   

  Also enjoying a few moments with my faithful beagle. We prepare to say goodbye to him soon, as I think his illness is getting worse. But seeing him roll around definitely makes me happy.  

   

May 10-#100happydays-day 31

Happy Mother’s Day! I’m blessed with 2 amazing boys. I also have a wonderful mother, and mother in law in my life. 

Being a mom is a lot of hard work, but it brings me indescribable joy. 

May 7 #100happydays-day 28 searching. 

Little hard to find happiness after the sadness of the last few days. 

But there were little things. I hugged an old friend today, and our tears were shared, but it felt peaceful. It was a cool day, but the sun came out for awhile. And these two really are my pride and joy.  

   

April 27-#100happydays-day18

This little dude likes to make messes, so he can help clean up. He doesn’t always do the best job, therefore my house is a disaster most days.   

  

April 17-#100happydays-day8

Both boys (and mom) had glorious naps today. The 3 year old will give me a rough bedtime, but it was worth it for 1.5 hours to relax in the quiet!  

 

April 12-#100happydays

So, being woken up at 6:00am every damn day doesn’t really make me happy. I don’t know why my kids are early birds.  

 But our mornings together are alright.  I get the kids oatmeal on and get coffee going for myself. (Usually can’t feed myself til later).  

 

Then as a treat this Sunday morning, my 3 year old wanted to watch sesame  street. So we all cuddled on the couch for a bit. Maybe TV isn’t the best for the kids,( as I keep hearing) but what the hell. Everyone is happy!  

 

The End is Here. 

Today is my last day of maternity leave. After a wonderful Easter long weekend, I will be going back to work tomorrow. We had a fairly quiet weekend, some visiting, church, family time and big meals.  

 

I’m trying really hard to deal with the panic that has arisen in me these last couple days. It’s obvious I feel a little scared to go back to work, nervous about leaving the boys and all the changes. That stuff I can handle.  But these little “episodes” of true panic are a bit different. I haven’t dealt with this in over 12 years, since I finished nursing school. 

It’s so, so hard to put into words. Partly physical, partly emotional, mostly I just don’t feel like myself, and don’t know if I ever will again.  I feel a little short of breath. A little light headed. An urge to cry. Doom. Snowballing thoughts. Basically I feel shitty, and worried. Pissed off I can’t handle it all better. Thinking “maybe I really am sick? Is it a PE?” It’s all so irrational, and I can tell myself it’s irrational, but nothing helps. And repeat. 

The thing is I know what’s causing it. I’m coming to terms with a part of my life ending. Just like when I finished school, I realized a life long goal has been met.  Now, my goal of having babies has been achieved. I no longer have to wait, look forward to pregnancy, birth and newborns.  I always wanted to get married and have a family. Now it’s done.  This won’t happen again. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not longing for more babies, or wishing I could stay home forever. I am happy to start work again, and find my job very interesting.  I’m so fortunate to be able to work part time. I also am very excited to watch my boys learn and grow. I think I’m just having trouble realizing life is now changing as I enter a new stage. Unfortunatly, knowing why doesn’t make it go away. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to do it tomorrow but I know I will.  My husband is the most amazing man and supports me without question. He is truly my best friend and we love each other so much.  I just want to feel better and get so frustrated. But for now I’ll just ride this roller coaster and hope it stops soon.  Looking for peace wherever I find it. Enjoying the small things.