Shock me again. 

Another blow has come this week. Another flood of memories and a heart wrenching realization that time goes way to fast.  Hit so hard with the awareness that I must see the beauty of life at EVERY.GIVEN.MOMENT. 

I sit mourning the loss of an old friend. We knew each other very well in nursing school. We had been such good friends 15 years ago. But life changes. Time passes. We lost touch. Always meant to “get together for a beer”.  Dammit, she only lived a few blocks away, why didn’t I make an effort!?

I don’t even know where life took her. We hadn’t seen in each other in about 6 years. I don’t know why she killed herself, and I’ll never know the struggles she faced. In all honesty, I didn’t know her anymore, but I ever thought she had any depression, or problems with mental health. She was a carefree bubbly girl. She loved nature, coffee and cherries. I still remember her apartment vividly. I’ll miss you Mel, and think of you often.  

 

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‘if anyone reads this-just enjoy everything”

I have been doing a little more old diary reading. I’ve just been so nostalgic lately. I think I just feel time is going so fast, I don’t want to forget who I was. 

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 I’m not a huge Taylor Swift fan, but her song “fifteen’ can bring tears to my eyes. Somehow this song just really brings to life the wonder of being fifteen and being in amazement of everything happening to you for the first time. I really like these verses. I can’t tell you how many nights I twirled and danced in my room after a date with a boy I really liked.

“And then you’re on your very first date and he’s got a car
And you’re feeling like flying
And your mamma’s waiting up
And you’re thinking he’s the one
And you’re dancing ’round the room when the night ends, when the night ends

‘Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen and your first kiss makes your head spin around
But in your life you’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn’t know it at fifteen”

Now let me be clear, I was a very naive, immature, childish, defensive teenager for the most part. But I didn’t know I was those things. That’s truely the beauty of youth, you don’t know what you don’t know.

However, I did have little snippets of wisdom. I was happily surprised at myself. This was an entry from March of 1995. I was 16, and mad about a boy I liked who didn’t like me. (this happened a lot).

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“you will feel a lot more hurt in a lifetime than what this is”

So true. Yes, boyfriend heartache was rough, but there is so much worse. In the 20 years since I wrote this, I’ve had my heart broken in more ways than I ever thought possible. But I’ve also felt more joy than I knew existed.

Here’s another great quote from the same song.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now”

And here’s another little diary entry from March 1999. I was 20, and just finishing my second year of nursing. I was having one of those nights. I was trying to figure out who I was and where I was going.

'if anyone reads this- just enjoy everything"

”i wish I had the chance to talk to ‘me’ now when I was younger”

Oh, and I felt ‘old’. At 20. 20!

It actually feels good to go back and read all this. Even if some of it is laughable now. I was so boy crazy.  I just shake my head, it’s kind of embarrassing. But its who I was. Who I am. Maybe when I’m 60, I’ll read this blog… and wish I could talk to that young new mom, and tell her to just enjoy everything. 


Home away from home

Since I was a very young tot, I’ve spent a lot of time at Wakaw lake in the summers. My aunt had a cabin there, and the memories of go way back.

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A few years back my aunt ( who never married) decided to sign the cabin over to me. She didn’t want to wait til she died and force me to deal with a hassle of a will I guess.
So we took over paying the taxes, but honestly it still kind of remains “her” cabin.
I love the place, but it stresses me out.
It needs so much work, and it hasn’t been re decorated ever. It is very 70’s. Orange. Gold. Orange and gold shag carpet. Wall to wall, including the bathroom.
I can’t imagine losing it, but unless we put a huge chunk of change into it, it’s going to fall apart. The thought of selling it seems inviting at times. There is a lot we could do with the money. However, that wouldn’t be able to happen until my aunt died, as she would probably kill me if I sold it.
I have so many memories of being a teen out in Wakaw. We had some amazing parties. So many fun nights. So many bon fires.
It’s hard to enjoy it the same now. It’s small, there isn’t a lot of room for the kids.
The beach used to be relaxing. Now it’s loud. So many jet skis and wakeboarders. ( I sound old and bitter don’t I ??)

I just don’t really know what to do. I’m sure in a few years, we’d really enjoy it again, but right now it seems not worth it.
We’ll see.
Here’s a few of my fave pics from Wakaw lake.

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‘SNL’ Where Are They Now: The 1990s

SNL has been one of my favourites for as long as I can remember.
It was so huge for me in the 90’s. This is a great list.

UPROXX

SNL 90

Thanks to the changes made during the late 80s, Saturday Night Live started the 90s on a high. But while there was more stability and certainly more star power in this era, the show still slogged through an uncomfortable period of transition between the gold standard cast of Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, and Mike Myers, and the cast that was fronted by Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon.

All told, there were 34 cast members that belonged to the 90s. Some blew up, some faded away, and others popped on our screens for only an instant. Read down to see what they brought to Saturday Night Live and what they’ve done since they graduated (or were tossed aside). After that, be sure to check out our look back at the 70s cast and the 80s cast

Jim Breuer (1995-1998)

If you would have asked me at the start of the…

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#throwbackthursday

I’ve been thinking back to high school a lot lately. I’m not sure why, maybe its just because I can’t believe 20 years have gone by.

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Why is it that music one loved as a teen seems to stick with you forever? Granted the 90’s just had the best music period. No one can deny that right?

As I practice my blogging skills, I’m going to try to add a couple of my favorite’s from the time period.

Hope you enjoy!

LOW-CRACKER

SOUL TO SQUEEZE-RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

RS

ONE HEADLIGHT-WALLFLOWERS

WHATS THE FREQUENCY KENNETH?-R.E.M.

Glimpse into my past

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Here’s an entry from my old diary. I was 19 when this was written. I had been at a local bar , where i spent a lot of my time. The boy in question was a bouncer at said bar. I have no idea where he is now, nothing ever came of him and I. But at the time, it was a very important night in my life. Somehow, coming home tipsy and writing in a journal was really fun!