The End is Here. 

Today is my last day of maternity leave. After a wonderful Easter long weekend, I will be going back to work tomorrow. We had a fairly quiet weekend, some visiting, church, family time and big meals.  

 

I’m trying really hard to deal with the panic that has arisen in me these last couple days. It’s obvious I feel a little scared to go back to work, nervous about leaving the boys and all the changes. That stuff I can handle.  But these little “episodes” of true panic are a bit different. I haven’t dealt with this in over 12 years, since I finished nursing school. 

It’s so, so hard to put into words. Partly physical, partly emotional, mostly I just don’t feel like myself, and don’t know if I ever will again.  I feel a little short of breath. A little light headed. An urge to cry. Doom. Snowballing thoughts. Basically I feel shitty, and worried. Pissed off I can’t handle it all better. Thinking “maybe I really am sick? Is it a PE?” It’s all so irrational, and I can tell myself it’s irrational, but nothing helps. And repeat. 

The thing is I know what’s causing it. I’m coming to terms with a part of my life ending. Just like when I finished school, I realized a life long goal has been met.  Now, my goal of having babies has been achieved. I no longer have to wait, look forward to pregnancy, birth and newborns.  I always wanted to get married and have a family. Now it’s done.  This won’t happen again. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not longing for more babies, or wishing I could stay home forever. I am happy to start work again, and find my job very interesting.  I’m so fortunate to be able to work part time. I also am very excited to watch my boys learn and grow. I think I’m just having trouble realizing life is now changing as I enter a new stage. Unfortunatly, knowing why doesn’t make it go away. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to do it tomorrow but I know I will.  My husband is the most amazing man and supports me without question. He is truly my best friend and we love each other so much.  I just want to feel better and get so frustrated. But for now I’ll just ride this roller coaster and hope it stops soon.  Looking for peace wherever I find it. Enjoying the small things.  

 

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2 thoughts on “The End is Here. 

  1. Ah the overwhelmed feeling — I can relate. Yours seems very intense that it causes you physical angst. And then the feeling of panic and frustration. Life does change and it makes us adjust. It’s hard — there is no two ways around it. Sometimes we want things to stay the same so we can catch our breath and feel in control but it doesn’t. Time moves on and we have to adapt and adjust.
    I remember the first and last return to work — I was more concerned for my children and the child care arrangements — that all consuming guilt about working full time and leaving your children with someone else. And horrors — I was the first daughter/ daughter in law that had done that and how would these children turn out. Turns out they are very well adjusted.
    Follow your instincts to balance the big and little issues. Hug your kids and cherish your man.
    Bernie

    PS Will I see you in PACU or are you returning to a public health job?

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    • Thank you. Yes, it is all just a need to adjust and adapt. Writing about it definitely helps.
      I will be going back to my public health position, but hope to pick up in Pacu at least a few times a month.

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